Grieving my bladder

March was the month that I went into retention and had my first urethral catheter fitted. This March just gone was the 3-year anniversary of being permanently catheterised, 3 whole years with no working bladder. The past month has been quite difficult for me due to personal circumstances, but I felt as though there was something else causing me to feel a little more down than usual.

It clicked that it has been 3 years since my life changed drastically and I was taken back a little. I realised the connection between my mood and the time of year. I was subconsciously grieving my bladder, my old life and part of my spirit.

From the outside looking in I can imagine it’s hard for people to understand why I am feeling this way and assume I’m being dramatic or wanting attention. For me, my bladder is still inside my body, and I don’t feel it has a purpose anymore. In fact, if someone said I could have my bladder removed tomorrow and have a urostomy, then I would bite their hand off, so to speak. Grieving is the term used when you as a person have lost something/someone or that something/someone has ‘gone’.

How can I grieve for a bladder that is still there? How can I feel upset and at time empty when I still have that organ in my body? I’ve asked myself these questions so many times as even to me, the person going through this, it’s at times hard to comprehend. But I have lost the ability to void urine myself, I am unable to use my urethra as that exit point and instead, I have to use a tube, which of course is my catheter. I have had comments from others who have told me that ‘I am still alive’ and ‘there are people out there worse off than me’ which made me feel guilty and that I shouldn’t be feeling this selfish way.

I have come to realise that I am within my own right to feel how I feel, and I don’t need to justify those feelings to anyone. My bladder may not have ‘gone’ but it doesn’t work, to me it doesn’t serve me any purpose and it won’t serve me purpose in the future.

I wanted to share these feelings with you as I know you may be feeling this way or have felt this way. And I wanted to share that you are not alone in this, and you aren’t the only one feeling this. It is okay to mourn your bladder, it's okay to mourn your old life, your old body and it’s okay to mourn absolutely anything if that’s how you feel. It doesn’t matter if it’s been 6 months or 6 years, it’s still your body and having Fowler’s or any of bladder condition is life changing.

I have come to terms with my disability and conditions, but I still grieve my previous life and bladder.

Love Tayla x