Fake it ‘til you make it, right?

I often get asked how I stay so positive ‘especially with all my medical problems’, a phrase repeated to me more and more often, since my recent Crohn’s diagnosis. But to be honest, I feel far from positive at the moment.

A lot of the time I replace my default resting b*tch face, with a plastered-on smile. A smile, that many assume is positivity, but really it just stops people from asking questions or if you’re alright.

The way I see it, is that there’s only so much wallowing you can do. I’m a single mum, my dad is terminally ill and my brother lives over an hour away. I do have a couple of friends that live nearby, who are able to help, but with full time work and families of their own, I don’t like to ask favours of them unless it’s an emergency.

I’m currently in the middle of a Crohn's flare and unfortunately have been bed bound for 5 days, although not alone... I’m graciously accompanied by all the rehydration drinks I can get my hands on!

But this week is one of the times where I have no choice, other than to grit my teeth and get out of bed. My son’s parents evening is coming up and I needed to make sure that I could attend. So, I dragged my ass to the GP to see if I could get a prescription for steroids *cue my face turning into a literal moon*.

Parents evening is so important to me, to make sure my son knows I’m there for him as much as he is for me. But the idea of an hour and a half of physical exertion, makes me miss COVID protocol parents evening of 5-minute Zoom catch ups, in your tracksuit on the couch.

Don’t' get me wrong, if asked about my recent Crohn’s diagnosis, I will always say that I’ve been lucky to have 14 years free of IBD and I was warned that developing Crohn’s was a possibility as I still have my small bowel. I’ve definitely been living my best life all these years and this diagnosis just means I need to try and stay positive and continue to do that.

Being given a diagnosis can be difficult to deal with and can take a toll on your mental health. Navigating and looking after your mental health isn’t linear, there’s highs and lows and especially with my chronic conditions, mine can be a bit of a rollercoaster but I know what to do to try and pick myself up when I’m feeling low.

One thing that usually helps me feel better is seeing my dear friend Maurice. Unfortunately, Maurice hadn’t been very well recently and with my own health taking a hit for a few weeks, I hadn’t been able to see him for a while.

Maurice had been taken into hospital and although I was feeling rubbish, I used all of my energy and strength to shower, get dressed and go and visit him. In the few minutes Maurice was awake, he remembered who I was, which was lovely, as his dementia meant that for a lot of my previous visits, he thought I was the cleaner, which I always found so endearing.

I spent time holding his hand as he slept and played him his Welsh Male Choir music.

Two days later, I got the call from Maurice’s son to say that he’d passed away during the night.

I’m incredibly sad, he was the most wonderful friend, and my life is so much brighter having known him. I’m so thankful that his family let me have the chance to say goodbye to him in the hospital and I take comfort knowing that he’s been reunited with his wife.

That evening, my son made sure we had a kitchen disco while we cooked dinner. We put on an 80’s playlist and sang and danced like nobody was watching and for a brief moment in the sadness, I managed to replace my fake smile with a real one.

Dealing with the loss of a friend, as well as a diagnosis, has made me realise that my fake smile isn’t always necessary. It’s okay to feel every emotion, happy, sad, angry, they’re all valid and I shouldn’t hide how I feel.